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Thread: 30 Things I learned From TV

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    30 Things I learned From TV

    30 Things I learned From TV
    By Eric Siu

    1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

    2. Youíre very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,

    3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. That will finish in a sex scene.

    5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

    6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

    7. If someone says, ďIíll be right backĒ, they wonít.

    8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: ďEnter Password NowĒ.

    9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. In addition, every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.

    10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

    11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when theyíre going to go off.

    12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

    14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    16. Any bullet from a handgun has enough force to throw a full-grown man ten feet back.

    17. Characters will always find a parking space right in front of the building theyíre going to even in a large metropolitan city where parking is basically impossible.

    18. Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.

    19. When a gift/present is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.

    20. A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.

    21. Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, ďThereís no time to explain,Ē and then explains anyway.

    22. No matter how slow zombies walk they will always catch up.

    23. The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets.

    24. A candle or table lamp can light a whole room and at night time, itís blue.

    25. If the main guy is in love with the main girl, he will always get her in the end, even if sheís married. If she is married, her husband will always say ďoh well, if it makes you happyĒÖ and heíll never go to beat the crap out of the other guy.

    26. If you are in a film, it is easy for you to master the skill of controling any vehicle you need, weather it be landing a plane, for example.

    27. Everybody when needing a computer can type supper fast and never need to hit the space bar!

    28. Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.

    29. The computers have super duper graphics programes which can zoom into blurs in fotos to make them super clear!

    30. The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.
    There are no doubt many others:

    No matter how many shots are fired, nosy neighbors, kids, and passersby never stand around gawking, making videos, or calling 911.

    Add your own!

    Singlegrain
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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    And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. In addition, every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.


    Started watching a long running British television series recently called Midsomer Murders. In it, the investigating officers just walk into people's houses all the time. I thought it must be a rural England thing to leave your door unlocked (my doors are pretty much always unlocked but I thought that was odd on our part) but every time I think, "Dude! Does no one know how to knock?"
    The reason Trump succeeded isnít that complicated after all. He didnít win the nomination by tapping into some nascent political movement. He won by doing a fairly good impression of a right-wing media celebrity. Every issue, every conspiracy, every applause line has been ripped from their websites, radio shows, and television programs. Itís why he became Americaís most prominent birther. Itís why he floated rumors that Ted Cruzís dad killed JFK, and that Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster. Itís why he talks the way he does about Mexicans and Muslims and women and African Americans. Itís why heís been able to get away with knowing little to nothing about policy or government or world affairs ó because Trump, like any good talking head, only speaks in chyrons and clauses and some-people-are-sayings.

    Trumpís greatest trick has been to realize that right-wing media stars have a built-in audience that Republican politicians donít. To that audience, Jeb Bush talks like Washington talks. Ted Cruz talks like conservative ideologues talk. Marco Rubio talks like the last consultant he spoke with talks. But Trump talks like a true talk radio fan ó longtime listener, first-time caller. He comes off like the winner of a reality TV show in which one lucky Fox viewer gets picked to run for president of the United States.

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    31. During an important conversation, no one ever says "hold that thought, I gotta pee."

    32. Full recovery from a gunshot for the good guy is 24 hours or less.

    33. Semi-auto pistols never jam, fail to feed, fail to extract, or stovepipe.

    34. It's never lupus.
    Get off the cross, we need the wood.

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    You should always rack your shotgun at the moment you get the drop on the bad guy. Rack it again as necessary to punctuate your comments. It won't eject an unused shell when you do this.

    While driving, you should turn your head and give long meaningful looks (upwards of 20 seconds) at the passenger you're having a conversation with.

    Patriotism is of its nature defensive, both militarily and culturally. Nationalism, on the other hand, is inseparable from the desire for power. The abiding purpose of every nationalist is to secure more power and more prestige, not for himself but for the nation or other unit in which he has chosen to sink his own individuality.
    -George Orwell, Notes on Nationalism

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    Quote Originally Posted by Norm dePlume View Post

    While driving, you should turn your head and give long meaningful looks (upwards of 20 seconds) at the passenger you're having a conversation with.
    My stepdad did that. The man was a menace.
    The reason Trump succeeded isnít that complicated after all. He didnít win the nomination by tapping into some nascent political movement. He won by doing a fairly good impression of a right-wing media celebrity. Every issue, every conspiracy, every applause line has been ripped from their websites, radio shows, and television programs. Itís why he became Americaís most prominent birther. Itís why he floated rumors that Ted Cruzís dad killed JFK, and that Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster. Itís why he talks the way he does about Mexicans and Muslims and women and African Americans. Itís why heís been able to get away with knowing little to nothing about policy or government or world affairs ó because Trump, like any good talking head, only speaks in chyrons and clauses and some-people-are-sayings.

    Trumpís greatest trick has been to realize that right-wing media stars have a built-in audience that Republican politicians donít. To that audience, Jeb Bush talks like Washington talks. Ted Cruz talks like conservative ideologues talk. Marco Rubio talks like the last consultant he spoke with talks. But Trump talks like a true talk radio fan ó longtime listener, first-time caller. He comes off like the winner of a reality TV show in which one lucky Fox viewer gets picked to run for president of the United States.

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    • There's always some quick code someone can type up in a few minutes to hack into EVERY system.
    • There are hot computer hackers.
    • Bad guys can't hit a barn at 50 yards with a rifle but a good guy can get a headshot with a pistol at 300 yards.
    • Every car stolen for a chase seen has racing flats and upgraded suspensions
    • Cars explode every time they crash
    • Cars flip every time they crash
    "What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is controlled by the people. January 20th 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer."

    link

    Time will tell.

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    Abused women become expert marksmen and deadly martial artists in three easy lessons

    The empathetic man that all the female characters love is always gay.

    Uber intelligent, physically superior, and menacing alien invaders always have a simple fateful flaw.
    Quote Originally Posted by Billy Jingo View Post
    No, you do. Except when you go full frontal white supremacy. Then they just pretend you didnít say that. They do that with all their bigots except Lady Marva. That is probably because her racism is clumsy. But so is Markís but in a Trumpian acceptable way, I guess.

    But you? You are rarely challenged here (other than by Bane) and even then, when Celeste forgets how much she loves her gun, it is exceedingly mild.

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    On tv you can drink invisible coffee.
    May we raise children who love the unloved things - the dandelion, the worm, the spiderlings.
    Children who sense the rose needs the thorn and run into rainswept days the same way they turn towards the sun...
    And when they're grown and someone has to speak for those who have no voice,
    may they draw upon that wilder bond, those days of tending tender things and be the one.

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    As an aside, the ventilation shaft thing always cracks me up. Would it kill these writers to tag along with somebody doing HVAC work and actually look inside these ducts?

    Even if one was big enough for a human being (a lot aren't), the whole thing is sheet metal. It would sound like a herd of enraged elephants if you tried to crawl through it. This assuming you didn't bleed to death from all the sharp edges, screws, etc. and didn't instantly crash through a section.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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