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Thread: Long Jokes

  1. #1
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    Long Jokes

    These jokes have a good set-up:

    The Locker Room

    There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

    Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

    (H – Husband, W – Wife)

    H – “Hello?”
    W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
    H – “Yes.” W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
    H – “What’s the price?”
    W – “Only $1,000.”
    H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
    W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
    H – “What price did he quote you?”
    W – “Only $1,65,000…” H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
    W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
    H – “What?”
    W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
    H – “How much are they asking?”
    W – “Only $14,50,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
    H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $14,20,000. OK?” W – “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!”
    H – “Bye… I love you too…” The man hangs up.

    The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, ............“Does anyone know who this cell phone belong to … ???” .
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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  3. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gingersnap View Post
    These jokes have a good set-up:
    OK, Ms Snap, where did those weird typos come from? (I don't see a link)
    "The way I see it, there's always, c'mon, there's always money. It's there." —Elizabeth Warren, explaining socialism.

    “The interesting thing about the Green New Deal is it wasn’t originally a climate thing at all.... We really think of it as a how-do-you-change-the-entire-economy thing.” —Saikat Chakrabarti, then AOC's Chief of Staff.

    "We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men, most of them radicalized to the right, and we have to start doing something about them." —CNN's Don Lemon, showing how to stop demonizing people.

    "What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.” ―Robert F. Kennedy.

  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Newman View Post
    OK, Ms Snap, where did those weird typos come from? (I don't see a link)
    Me, probably. I fixed the one I knew I did but no doubt I missed many in the copying.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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    Sad Guy

    A guy walks into a bar and sees an old friend drinking alone and the friend looks terrible.

    He walks up and says, "What happened! You look awful!".

    The friend sighs and says, "Well, in March my Mom died and left me $25,000.

    "That's awful, dude."

    "And then in April my Dad died and he left me $90,000." The man wipes a tear away.

    "That's incredibly tough, I can't imagine losing both parents in two months," says the friend. "No wonder you look depressed."

    "Then in May my only sister died and she left me $15,000," sobbed the friend.

    "Oh my God! Three family members in three months? That's horrible. You poor guy."

    "It gets worse," whispers the friend. "This month.......".

    "This month?" the guy says in horror.

    "This month......there was nothing."
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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    Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

    Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

    "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."

    "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"

    "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

    Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."

    "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.

    "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"

    "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."

    "Yes, yes I do have a house!"

    "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."

    "Yes, yes I do have a family!"

    "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."

    "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.

    "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.

    "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.

    "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"

    "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

    "No."

    "Then you're gay."
    Thank God I have two. That I fear.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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    An avid golfer goes most days of the week to meet his buddies at the club to get in a quick round in the afternoon before heading home.

    Today, none of his friends show up, so he's looking around the pro shop. He sees an attractive woman looking over the tees in a display and he asked her if she'd like to play a twosome. She agrees and they head to the links.

    He tells her that his friends usually make a small wager, say, ten bucks on the match. She says OK, but if you win I'll give you a blow job. He agrees and they play the eighteen hole.

    She loses, and with a naughty twinkle in her eye, takes him behind a hedge and pays her debt. He can't believe it! The best round he's ever played!

    They meet again each day that week, with the same result: she loses the round and he gets a magnificent hummer.

    On Friday,after she finishes him off, she says, "I have a confession. I was not born a woman."

    He realizes what she has just said, grows angry and shouts, " you bastard! You've been playing off the ladies tees all week!"

    Sent from my BBB100-1 using Tapatalk
    I am the cat who walks by himself. And all places are alike to me.

  8. Likes Celeste Chalfonte, Newman, Gingersnap liked this post
  9. #7
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    Three men walk into a bar and ask for waterpipes.
    I'm thinking that once, in 1953, a group of interesting people just happened to be in a coffee shop at the same time and a great discussion of issues, ideas, and the meaning of life occurred. Since then we have been waiting at Starbucks for Lawrence Ferlinghetti to say something heavy.

  10. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Novaheart View Post
    Three men walk into a bar and ask for waterpipes.
    Not precisely a "long joke". Unless there's some unstated chihuahua grilling angle.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gingersnap View Post
    Thank God I have two. That I fear.
    Oh, no. My life is a lie! I, too, own a weed whacker.
    No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. This offer VALID in 35 34 33 32 31 26 20 17 15 14 13 ALL 50 states.

    The new 13 original states to stand up for freedom: CA, CT, IA, MA, DE, MN, NH, NY, RI, VT, ME, MD, NJ (plus DC).

  12. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Celeste Chalfonte View Post
    Oh, no. My life is a lie! I, too, own a weed whacker.
    You aren't fooling anybody.



    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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