Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Jack Has Questions.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like

    Jack Has Questions.

    Jack: So, when is Dad returning those animals? It's been like 5 days already. Why did he borrow them anyway?

    Me: He didn't borrow them, he bought them. They'll be here until they die of hairball barfing.

    Jack: Wait, what? We own them?

    Me: Sure. That's why I let you carry the criminal cat into the laundry room and dump it into the mop bucket. I'd never treat somebody else's property like that.

    Jack: That's where I dump my tennis balls, I thought that's what you do with dumb, fuzzy things. I assumed that you'd empty the bucket into the garbage can and get me those glow-in-the-dark tennis balls for Halloween.

    Me: Not happening. You're lucky I got you that devil horn thing.

    Jack: I hate that. It's Satanic. I'm a Presbyterian, you know this.

    Me: Let's drop your sudden Reformed scruples and focus on this cat issue. You cannot sit in front of the cats and stare at them until they make that hissing cat shape. It's weird. We're having a lot of people over next week and you can't appear menacing and make the cats run through the dip and tamales.

    Jack: Why not? You let that drunk guy and his terrier eat taco chips and use a nerf gun. I can't see how that's much different. At least I don't attempt to recite 'Howl' and hit on that sociology prof. She looks a lot like a hissing cat now that I think of it.

    Me: Getting back to your new, forced cat issues - stop staring at them, dropping them in buckets, or helpfully encouraging them to shoot out the front door. You can also cut out that dramatic sighing and eye-rolling. Nobody is buying it.

    Jack: Dad does. He bought me a penis-stick yesterday.

    Me: Why do I live here?
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  2. Likes 80zephyr liked this post
  3. #2
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jack: Why was I in dog prison or on dog parole?

    Me: We felt you might eat the cats and that is way worse than the candle/sock thing.

    Jack: That barf shot is amazing!

    Me: It is but it isn't like I can throw the cat in the washing machine when we get home and move on.

    Jack: So, now I can be free with the cats? I'm trying to learn their language but it seems to be curse words.

    Me: That's mostly Dad. Stop carrying them around or play bowing on top of them. You're like 25 times bigger than they are and it freaks them out.

    Jack: Never bothered those teacup Poodles.

    Me: It bothered them a lot. I still hear about that rape scene in Puppy School. Your picture is posted in PetSmart as a serial sex predator.

    Jack: Whatever. I'm beyond all that now.

    You need to get a grip on this situation. My tail is not a cat toy. Keep them out of my Fortress of Solitude. Make the black and white cat stop using me as camouflage. It's not like he's fooling anyone.

    And what is this cuddling/petting thing? I have to work for every miserable Annie's Bunny cracker but you and Dad let them walk all over you. Literally. You watched an entire movie with that half-bred Siamese cat draped on your neck. He doesn't even like Noir. I adore it but did you invite me to drape on your neck? No, you did not.

    I can't believe you wasted a showing of The Postman Always Rings Twice on a cat. They didn't even eat the popcorn, they just batted it around.

    Me: It is what it is, dude. I'm just trying to get through this with the least amount of mental damage. I have a really high deductible.

    Get with the program.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jack: Okay, I was just lounging and the Himmi tried to eat my ear. I put up with it for a few minutes but then you yelled at me when I dumped the cat in the laundry room (per regulations).

    I'm not only confused but angry.

    You and I both know that if a pupper did this I would assert my authority and make the pupper in question doubt his/her reason to exist on the same planet as me. You would praise me and ignore the pupper. You never turned a hair when Doc instructed me in the Ways of the Dog Force.

    How am I the 'bad guy' here?

    I'm beginning to doubt your leadership abilities.

    Me: So am I. I just extracted a potentially lethal piece of string out of the criminal cat. He bit me.

    Jack: You'd whack a pupper for that but you gave the criminal cat an unconditional parole. We can't live like this. It's anarchy. I'm a law and order guy but I'm out of mercy or justice. Did you see the Himmi leap from the couch back on to my head? What kind of world is this? Xenia never did this stuff.

    Me: Xenia was a Ragdoll. She was a genetic cat but abided by human/dog rules. These guys are from the hood or Siberia or something. I don't know what to tell you. It's like going to school in a city back in the 70s. Just do your best and keep your head down. It will level out eventually.

    Jack: I doubt that. Plus, movies from that era sucked. Why do these cats demand to watch 'Pink Flamingos' and 'Play It Again, Sam'? They couldn't wedge in 'Super Fly' or 'Jeremiah Johnson'?

    Me: Look, I don't know. These are existential issues. It's God you need to be talking with. I just buy leashes and take you to nursing homes (where you gorge yourself on butter cookies). I don't have the answers.

    Jack: Fine. I don't have the answers on AKC obed or flyball. You can kiss that smug look goodbye.

    (Jack eats a date defiantly.)
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like
    Me: You ate the Himmi.

    Jack via prison phone: I did not eat him. I measured out Justice after the last ill-advised ear-eating episode. It's not like he wasn't warned.

    Me: It's a kitten. You can't just trash a kitten right in front of me.

    Jack: Well, if you'd been making pie or doing something useful you'd never even know about this. Is it really a crime if nobody sees it?

    Me: I did see it. The cat hid for 3 hours. I had to open up that stink food to get the cat out from under the couch. Meanwhile, his brother took the opportunity to crawl all over me and attempt to steal an earring. You're supposed to protect me from thieves.

    Jack: Only if the retail value exceeds $950 bucks. You bought those earrings at a street fair.

    Me: Have you ever seen the Director's Cut of 'Lassie Meets The Chainsaw'? It's a bit arty but the ending is well worth the wait.

    Last edited by Gingersnap; Thursday, November 7th, 2019 at 9:11 PM.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jack: Well, this is choice. So far, they have taken down two curtains, dumped over three sacred ferns, and pushed a Bible off an end table. Not to mention taking over the top of my office (for which you gave them a fluffy rug) and the continued failure of Dad to maintain even one litter box.

    Bet you're rethinking this disaster now (laughs smugly).

    Me: I was rethinking it on the way to the cat assignment facility.

    Jack: Hah! Adopt in haste, repent at leisure - Doc taught me that, he'd seen them come and seen them go. So, when are the Authorities coming to remove them?

    Me: Never, dammit! Stop asking about that. This is our life now.

    Jack: Not my life (laughs knowingly). I'm not cleaning litter boxes or preparing cat foods. I'm not repotting ferns or explaining to guests why a cat is free-climbing the fireplace. I'm looking noble and sane while all this chaos happens.

    Me: Well, isn't that the welcome change for you! It wasn't that long ago you were dancing on counters for money or attempting to cone other dogs into being rape victims. You can kiss off that new Kong for Christmas.

    Jack: Like Dad will go along with that. No, I'll be peaceably chewing a new Kong while these monsters shatter all those glass European Christmas ornaments you've collected for so many years.

    If it's any consolation, I'll fake looking sympathetic while you clean up the shards of Red Riding Hood and Cthulu.

    Me: You're supposed to be my best friend, why are you doing this to me?

    Jack: Even your human BFF dissolved into braying laughter over this concept. We're not laughing at you....oh, who am I kidding? Of course, we are.

    (Hits the floor with spasms of hilarity.)
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jack: So, that was the most hysterical scene I've seen and I've watched the uncut version of 'Blazing Saddles'.

    Watching you scamper around trying to contain the extreme damage of the adhesive-stuck Bermie was a laugh riot! If this had been on You Tube, you'd have 500,000 hits and lifetime ad revenue from Temptations cat treats. Honestly, I think I ruptured something laughing.

    Me: Have you ever thought about being a bomb-defusing dog? I hear it's in demand.

    Jack: The entire thing was a comedy of errors! I especially liked you tearing apart a bookcase to fish the cat out while the cat in question evaded you and went on a rampage in the sewing room and pantry. Who knew they could climb that high? Knocking over the liver treats was just a bonus!

    Then the whole decontamination thing. I just about peed myself watching that. Kudos to you for realizing at the last minute that powerful solvents weren't the way to go here. That cat freaked out seeing the acetone, though.

    I haven't had so much fun since PetSmart.

    Me: I'm leaving for Malibu. Good luck on that Dad thing.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jack: I'm starting to get worried about this K'Tai invasion. I went to drop the Bermie in the bucket as usual and he slapped me. Did you know that he has knives on the ends of his fingers? I'm pretty sure that's illegal here.

    Me: We don't live in Denver. It's fine.

    Jack: You weren't there, it was pretty terrifying. I think I'm bleeding to death.

    Me: (Examines giant Collie face equipped with huge predator teeth.) Nope, you don't have a scratch on you. Stop hauling them around.

    Jack: He was staring at me. I had to do something since you won't let me trash him anymore. I'm the Alpha.

    Me: You're the Delta. Cats don't abide by human or dog rules. We've had this discussion before. Just roll with it.

    Jack: He was "playing" with a tennis ball. MY tennis ball. That was the game winning tennis ball last summer. He has no respect. (Fake sobs inconsolably.)

    Me: Knock it off. You have roughly 562 tennis balls.

    Jack: Maybe but you have only one Collie.

    Me: That's going to change.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 8:24 PM
    Posts
    21,023
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jack: So, you and Dad bought new cat collars today and now they sound funny. I don't like it.

    Me: Welcome to my world. I had no idea Dad thinks 'hot pink' is a cat thing. I also had no idea he could even see 'hot pink' since he believes 'mauve' is purple. He's the one who ordered the custom fish-shaped I.D. tags. I had nothing to do with that. They clink, get over it.

    Jack: Well, I guess it made it easier to get the criminal cat out from behind the ironing board. It was kind of hilarious. No pupper would do something that dumb.

    Me: You people do plenty of dumb things, just not involving covert hiding. It's mostly barfing, eating socks, and stealing shoes.

    Jack: Whatever. So now the Bermie has slapped me twice. Do we have video on this stuff? I want to file a police report.

    Me: Great. You have a bench warrant for rape. This will end well.

    Jack: Something has to be done. We're living in anarchy. Doc would never have put up with this.

    Me: Doc outlived 3 cats. He had no fucks to give on cat issues. Stop thinking about it.

    Jack: I'm turning myself into Collie Rescue.

    Me: There's the phone.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Flyover Country
    Posts
    4,638
    Post Thanks / Like
    Snaps: What are you doing?

    Jack: Web surfing. Did you know you can find porn on just about everything?

    Snaps: Rule 34. Um... or so I've heard. Find anything interesting? Like a new recipe for the air fryer?

    Jack: No but I did find this...



    Thought I'd give it a try.

    Snaps: I'm going to the pool. Be back in a few hours. Let me know how it turned out.
    We are so fucked.

  11. Likes Gingersnap liked this post

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •