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Thread: In Which I Discover Cat Ownership

  1. #1
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    In Which I Discover Cat Ownership

    Jack: Dad totally lied to you about that litter box thing. I mean big time.

    Me: I'm aware of that. Shut up about it. I'm already not taking you in the divorce. I can get a new Collie in a cat-free environment. You Tris all look alike anyway, I'll manage.

    Jack: Like that will happen.

    Me: You'd be surprised what a woman with a high credit rating and a motive can do.

    Jack: I'm not worried. So that one cat is all over you and the other one is a tad too friendly for my taste. Why don't they climb all over Dad and get in his bra?

    Me: Dad doesn't wear a bra and his boobage is not sufficient to support a very small cat although an enterprising cat could experience the joys of Duluth underwear.

    Jack: Now we have to "interact" twice a day. I'm good about it but frankly, I never signed up for this. You yell at me if I knock stuff off tables (which is my tail, not me) but you let them knock off the phone and said nothing.

    Also, although I believe your hair is ridiculous, you won't let me style it. Yet, you laughed when Thor attempted to do corn braids on you. How is that fair?

    Me: It isn't. None of this is fair. Cats don't do "fair". I'm as bewildered as you are here. I now have 3 litter boxes to clean, food prep, dog-lethal toys to monitor, and 80s hair (hair is not that bad). These cats will never give me the pleasure of you evoking some Lassie memory from an Elder or getting an obed certificate.

    However, they are surprisingly snuggly and affectionate and amusing to watch when they aren't destroying things.

    Jack: I can see where this is going. You'll get fat, start watching "Orange Is The New Black", and buying box wine. It's only a matter of time before you start eating vegan but having "cheat" hours between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. Dad will move to Montana.

    Me: Whatever.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  2. #2
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    You really need to invest in a laser-pointer. Also, a Rumba wouldn't be a bad decision, either.
    Leftists have unquestionably demonstrated their hatred for due process, and Democrats have undeniably obstructed justice for, and thoroughly victim-shamed and smeared, Karen Monahan.

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    Have the laser pointer and the cats enjoy it as does Jack. While their antics are cute, his require a carpet and drywall team.

    Still figuring this out.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gingersnap View Post
    Have the laser pointer and the cats enjoy it as does Jack. While their antics are cute, his require a carpet and drywall team.

    Still figuring this out.
    This is sort of a "thaw the chicken" moment. Put Jack outside and use the laser pointer there.
    Leftists have unquestionably demonstrated their hatred for due process, and Democrats have undeniably obstructed justice for, and thoroughly victim-shamed and smeared, Karen Monahan.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gingersnap View Post
    Have the laser pointer and the cats enjoy it as does Jack. While their antics are cute, his require a carpet and drywall team.

    Still figuring this out.
    Careful with Jack. Our dog trainer says laser pointers can cause dogs to become seriously neurotic. Dogs are task oriented. When they can't catch the "critter," they get frustrated and start obsessing about it. Next thing you know, they're making themselves crazy, chasing things we can't see. Cats thrive on crazy.
    No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. This offer VALID in 35 34 33 32 31 26 20 17 15 14 13 ALL 50 states.

    The new 13 original states to stand up for freedom: CA, CT, IA, MA, DE, MN, NH, NY, RI, VT, ME, MD, NJ (plus DC).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Celeste Chalfonte View Post
    Careful with Jack. Our dog trainer says laser pointers can cause dogs to become seriously neurotic. Dogs are task oriented. When they can't catch the "critter," they get frustrated and start obsessing about it. Next thing you know, they're making themselves crazy, chasing things we can't see. Cats thrive on crazy.
    Don't worry. While it's amusing for the kittens, I can see that Jack isn't cut out for this kind of thing. He gets angry since he's been in a 'fair play' situation all his life.

    Cat's don't have that concept so they're thrilled. Jack now goes outside or with Mr. Snaps when the laser is in play. I do it for a half hour before they get put to bed. They get tired.
    Last edited by Gingersnap; Sunday, November 10th, 2019 at 9:36 PM.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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    Thor: The giant black and white monster is now under our control!

    Loki: Natch. I told you it would take a couple weeks to rewire his brain. It wasn't hard once we downloaded the schematics. Dad really needs a better a password.

    Thor: The hypnotism is working great with Mom. I had her under in 10 minutes this afternoon. My personal best. (Looks smug.)

    Loki: Sure, that's fantastic but remember she isn't petting us, feeding us special foods, or cleaning up all our chaos when she's unconscious. Save it for bedtime. We need her to do stuff. It's not like Dad is going to pick up any slack.

    Thor: I've been doing it to Dad but he seems impervious. I blame chess and chicken wings.

    Loki: Maybe. We need more data on him.

    Thor: What next?

    Loki: Memes?
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  9. #8
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    Thor: So, I did put her to sleep for about 10 minutes this afternoon but I woke her right up by standing on her face.

    Loki: That's the spirit! Keep your paw in but don't overdo it. We'll need your hypnotism talent later when we can .jump on counters. I've been literally grooming the dog and it's coming along nicely. He just collapses now.

    Thor: I saw what you did with the Norfolk Pine - clever!

    Loki: Really, it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing (makes humble face), if you hadn't been able to steal that half-knitted glove, there's no way I could have pulled it off. It took a little time.

    Thor: It was nothing. I was planning to steal the glove anyway.

    Loki: We make a great team. Dad has already more or less surrendered and the dog is about ready to wave the white flag. I give it until Thursday. Mom is the only obstacle. You can't render her unconscious all the time.

    Thor: She is tricky but she's losing hope. I got inside her robe early this morning. She basically zombie-walked into a tuna thing before dawn.

    Loki: That was tasty.

    Thor: I figure maybe a month before she breaks down and lets us in the bedroom.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  10. #9
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    Jack: You guys have to snap out of it. My entire body is not some kind of plus-size cat toy. You (stares at Bermie) have to quit that 'death from above' thing. I can't spend the rest of my life staring at the ceiling. You (stares at black and white cat) are not a pirate. You can't just yell, "Aargh Mateys, board the merchant ship!". Your paw isn't a saber and my head isn't filled with gold. Knock it off.

    Me: You should probably stop flying false flags.

    Jack: If I want your help on the finer points of nautical communication, I'll ask for it.

    Loki: I self-identify as a pirate. Don't tell me how to live an authentic life.

    Jack: We're 1,400 miles from any ocean.

    Loki: Sure, dog miles. I self-rescued last night from a storm-tossed sea after spending weeks looting swordfish to compete with some skinny woman (kind of hot). My ship went down in the outer Banks.

    Jack: You saw 'The Perfect Storm' and it was the bathtub.

    Loki: Maybe.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  11. #10
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    Thor: I'm a kitten. If I don't attack from above, how can I attack?

    Me: Maybe don't attack the dog at all.

    Thor: What? He obviously needs to be attacked.

    Me: He isn't Japan. Just relax.

    Thor: If we'd nuked Japan in 1940, we'd have saved ourselves a lot of trouble.

    Me: You aren't the War Department and this isn't the Pacific theater of operations. This is a house with a dog.

    Thor: Said like every pacifist who ever temporarily lived (looks knowingly at Pirate brother).

    Loki: Aargh, Mateys! Board ship! Take the women first - they make foods.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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