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Thread: Welcome to my nightmare…

  1. #1
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    Welcome to my nightmare…

    Chloe: What the…

    Piper: Hi, I’m Piper. I’m a Border Collie. I like toys and cars. Did I tell you my name is Piper and I’m a Border Collie? When do we eat? Where’s the toys? I love toys, mostly the squeaky ones. What’s your name? I’m Piper. I smell cats. Where are they? Let’s chase them. I like car rides. Do you like car rides? Let’s go for a ride.

    Chloe: Fuck.
    We are so fucked.

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  3. #2
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    Piper: So, how does this place work? Are there frisbees? What does that woman do? Can she make pie? I love pie. Are there sheep? How many?

    Chloe: This is the water dish. That's your food dish, Porker. These are MY toys. This piece of tin foil is YOUR toy. That's a cat - go say "Hi" (sniggers). We don't have a Studebaker so stop talking about it. Any questions?

    Piper: Is Animal Control on speed dial? Asking for a friend.

    Chloe: Hey, look! A shadow!

    Piper: Holy cow! Thanks!
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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  5. #3
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    Chloe: What are you doing, furball?

    Piper: He threw something. I have to go get it and bring it back to him.

    C: It's a stick. They're all over the yard dummy. He's throwing them in a pile to burn them.

    P: He threw it. I have to get it and bring it back. Then I drop it near him.

    C: Does he come over and pick it up and throw it again?

    P: No. He says closer, then I pick it up and drop it in front of his feet.

    C: And then?

    P: I back up a few feet and wait for him to throw it again.

    C: And this you consider fun? Chasing a piece of wood over and over again?

    P: I have to do something. No sheep or squirrels to run down.

    C: (disgusted) Look! a bird.

    P: (running off) Where? Where?

    C: Putz.
    We are so fucked.

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  7. #4
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    Piper: Hah! They're saying Global Warming is causing Global Freezing. I fetched roughly a half a cord of sticks for Dad. I'm golden.

    Chloe: So what? They throw a heating blanket on me if I so much as look shivery. A lot of times, I just do it for effect. It's awesome.

    Piper: But I'm helping the humans.

    Chloe: Uh huh. You people all start out that way. In a few weeks. you'll be crowding the bed and vomiting in the bathroom (but not in the toilet). Can't wait for Dad to step in that at O'Dark Thirty.

    Piper: No way! I'm staying in the dog bed and vomiting outside.

    Chloe: Sure, sure....we all started that way. (Chuckles.)
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  8. #5
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    Chloe: Well snowflake, I was hoping you were just a temporary thing, like the mice Mom has on the catch and release program, but looks like Dad likes you and you're going to be here for a while.

    Piper: Where's the hot dog toy? I know I dropped it somewhere around here.

    C: Pay attention, needle nose. We have to got over the rules.

    P: Maybe it's in the kitchen?

    C: HEY!!! Listen up. First, that is my couch over there. You are not allowed on it. Ever.
    Second, the right side of Dad's chair is my side. Keep away.

    P: Anything else? I think the hot dog may be in the bedroom. I gotta go see.

    C: The Godfather is on AMC tomorrow. I suggest you watch it.

    P: Does it have toys? Maybe a frisbee or a stick?

    C: It has fishes and Luca Brasi. I suggest you watch closely and try to connect the dots.
    We are so fucked.

  9. #6
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    Piper: I got a letter from some Collie in Colorado! He's telling me to watch out for you - you're tricky. I think I now know where the hot dog toy went. (Stares suspiciously at Chloe.)

    Chloe: Get your Demon Eye off me! That guy is unreliable. They're all pot heads down there.

    Piper: Yeah? Well, he makes a lot sense - especially when he congratulated me on the whole stick thing. He collects sticks himself. He's been building a stick fort for two years but his Dad keeps using them for fires. I guess that's okay because our Dad does that too.

    Chloe: What's this "our Dad" thing? He's not your "Dad". He's your landlord. He's my Dad.

    (Wiggles more comfortably in the right side of the chair.)
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  10. #7
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    Chloe: What’s wrong, furball?

    Piper: I’m bored.

    C: You were just out 20 minutes ago.

    P: Your point being?

    C: That you have the attention span of a gnat.

    P: Gnat? Where? Where? I can chase gnats.

    C: I rest my case. If you promise to stop chewing that obnoxious squeaking toy and waking me up, I’ll tell you how to go out pretty much any time you want.

    P: Deal. What do I need to know?

    C: I’m 16 and don’t have that much time left, but here is what you do. Go over and bug Dad to go outside.

    P: I just did and he told me to go away.

    C: Of course he did. You were just out, it is cold outside, and you are a monumental pain in the ass. So when he tells you to go away, go over to Mom and look pitiful. Well, more pitiful than usual. She will yell over to Dad to do something with you.
    P: OK, then what?

    C: Run back over to Dad, start barking, talking, bashing him with your feet, whatever it takes.

    (2 minutes later out in the yard)

    P: Hey! It works just like you said.

    C: Of course it does. Damn rookies. Got to teach them everything.
    We are so fucked.

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  12. #8
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    Piper: Hi! I'm Piper - have we met?

    Chloe: Every single day, you moron.

    Piper: Really? Let's form a club! The "We Go Out Constantly" club. I'll nominate you for President. We can have a pancake breakfast fundraiser. I love pancakes! Do you think Dad likes pancakes? What kind? Do we have syrup? Have you ever been to Tim Hortons? I was born in a Tim Hortons. Does Dad like poutine? I love donuts. Is that a squeaky hot dog toy? Because I lost one but not in pancake batter. That I know of. Should we go out? Yes!!!!

    Chloe: This is a poorly made Chinese dildo.

    Piper: My mistake. Do you want to go out? Or eat poutine? Or eat it outside? With syrup?

    Chloe: This is why Mom works overtime and Dad travels.

    Piper: Really? Can she buy us donuts? What kind? I like the blue ones. Have you ever built a hovercraft? We could use it to get poutine. Maybe your hovercraft is in the backyard! We should look for it immediately.

    Chloe: Why don't you see if that pen pal in Colorado will mail you some Indica.

    Piper: Okay! Is it pancake flavored?

    Jack: Dear Piper,

    I have enclosed an assortment of weed gummy bears. They are poutine flavored (my personal favorite). How is the stick fort going? My Dad burned mine down last week as usual. I ate a black Knight in revenge. He looked for it for hours - good times.

    Your friend Chloe probably doesn't know which side of the chair is 'right'. Just claim the side and look innocent. It works for me (although I need the entire chair).

    Well, must dash - the fake Siamese is eating my ear again and Mom is right here so no trashing. Good luck with the fort and the chair.

    All my love, write soon!

    Jack

    Chloe: (Poking Piper experimentally) Are you dead?

    Piper: (Blearily) Did you get tacos? (Collapses)

    Chloe: All of them.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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  14. #9
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    Dear Jack,
    Thanks for the gummy bears. They were delicious.
    I wanted to ask you something but can't remember now what it was.
    But thanks for the gummy bears, they were delicious.

    Do you know where Mississippi is? Dad was just there for a few days, but he's back now.
    I made you the honorary Trustee of the "We Go Out Constantly" club. Meetings are Wednesday or every 30 minutes, whichever is first.

    Unless Dad is not here. He was in Mississippi for a few days earlier this week.

    I think I hear a mouse under the dishwasher, so gotta run.

    Thanks for the gummy bears. They were delicious.

    Piper.
    We are so fucked.

  15. #10
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    Jack: I am beyond honored to be a Trustee of your "We Go Out Constantly" Club. I just went out myself. Wednesday is my favorite day. I think tomorrow is Wednesday. It might be Fish Slapping Day - they are easy to confuse.

    I'm glad you liked the gummys and that no narc dog got them first. The USPS is full of Commies or that's what's my Dad says anyways. He also says that he's "sticking it to the Man" but he hasn't shown me that stick yet.

    You wanted to ask me my secret name. It's Dame Evelyn Von Chicken Jumper. Don't tell the cat.

    I think Mississippi is in France. French stuff is hard to spell but those croissants would be delicious in poutine or as donuts.

    I have to pee now but good luck with the club.

    Yours truly,

    Evie
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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