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Thread: Welcome to my nightmare…

  1. #91
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    Dear Piper,

    So today there was this enormous thunder storm with winds, thunders, lightenings, and other things I dislike. The cats were completely unaffected.

    I went into the usual panting/drooling routine and attempted to lodge myself in Dad's liver. Instead of the soothing voice and offer to cloak me in in the pupper blanky with Bluey, Mom and Dad wrestled me into the hated Thunder jacket. It was tight.

    Then I fell asleep on the hardwood floor. Like really asleep, not drugged asleep. I have no idea what happened. One minute I was drooling like a rabid wolf and shivering and 5 minutes later I was in La-La Land. Then Mom woke me up for Din-Din.

    I can't explain it. Mom and Dad were high-fiving each other. I think they may break out the champers after dark. It was baffling. I asked the Lawyer cat if the jacket had magic in it or something but he just laughed at me for being superstitious. Then he slapped me.

    I looked closely at the jacket when they put it away but it's just a bunch of fabric and velcro. There aren't any wizard signs on it at all.

    Well, I still think it has to be magic. No way I would sleep through a thunder storm. It has to have poison or something in it. Maybe some kind of cat spell. I'm sure they practice occult rites when I'm not looking.

    Love,

    Evie.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  2. #92
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    Hey Ev,

    I feel your pain.
    We had a storm here last night. So far best place I have found is under the headboard of Dad's bed. Plenty of room and it is where I hide yucky gorilla. Figure the whole house has to come crashing down to get me there.

    Dad is getting a divorce from Mrs. Ippi or whatever has kept him gone for the last 257 days. I actually heard Mom talking to someone on the phone saying she missed him. After 4721 days together because of the Crow virus, it kind of surprised me.

    Speaking of whom, she really pissed me off today. You know I only wear my collar when going in the car and now that they know I know what a collar is and where they keep it, all they do is say the word and we are off to the races.
    So she tells me to get it, I do, she puts it on, and then decides it is too hot for me to be in the car. Bad enough I haven't run in the yard since Dad left and I have to sleep by myself in Dad's room.

    It is about time for me and Chloe to go out for the night. Maybe I'll try and find something I can eat and then puke up in the hallway.

    Love,
    Piper
    We are so fucked.

  3. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by gary m View Post
    Hey Ev,

    I feel your pain.
    We had a storm here last night. So far best place I have found is under the headboard of Dad's bed. Plenty of room and it is where I hide yucky gorilla. Figure the whole house has to come crashing down to get me there.

    Dad is getting a divorce from Mrs. Ippi or whatever has kept him gone for the last 257 days. I actually heard Mom talking to someone on the phone saying she missed him. After 4721 days together because of the Crow virus, it kind of surprised me.

    Speaking of whom, she really pissed me off today. You know I only wear my collar when going in the car and now that they know I know what a collar is and where they keep it, all they do is say the word and we are off to the races.
    So she tells me to get it, I do, she puts it on, and then decides it is too hot for me to be in the car. Bad enough I haven't run in the yard since Dad left and I have to sleep by myself in Dad's room.

    It is about time for me and Chloe to go out for the night. Maybe I'll try and find something I can eat and then puke up in the hallway.

    Love,
    Piper
    Dear Piper,

    Try one of those green olives - I puked like a champion. Of course, I'm a rough collie and puking is our specialty.

    I think Mom is getting pretty tired of Dad hanging around constantly. If he isn't holding a drill, she just rolls her eyes dramatically and sketches handguns. It's sort of unsettling. They have an open marriage in that she's open to him being gone 3 days a week and she kills things in the wilderness a lot.

    If your Dad divorces Mrs. Ippi, will you have to move? I've heard that happens. Apparently the so-called "judge" can just make you go anywhere. Here's a tip, if your judge is anything like the pirate cat, just dump Blue Wilderness Premium cat treats in front of him. He'll do anything you want.

    Well, I have to eat few bugs now and menace the cat lawyer. It's not a job, it's a sacred vocation. I'll catch you on the flip side (I don't even know what that means but Dad says it).

    Love,

    Evie
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  4. #94
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    Dear Evie,
    Dad finally got home yesterday after 834 days. It was great having someone to throw the toys and let me run in the back yard to try and kill tree rats.

    Speaking of Dad being home, I may need a favor.

    How much does the lawyer cat charge to draw up an Adverse Possession claim? For all the time that Dad was gone I was able to sleep anywhere I wanted on the bed completely by myself. Now I have to share it with Dad again and he snores and rolls around in his sleep and usually kicks me a couple times a night.
    Last night he actually kicked me off when I tried to lay across the pillows just because his head happened to be there. He could have moved out of my way. I don't take up that much room.
    I think he was gone long enough that I can get a legal order barring him from the bed. There is a couch he could sleep on.

    Love,
    Piper
    We are so fucked.

  5. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by gary m View Post
    Dear Evie,
    Dad finally got home yesterday after 834 days. It was great having someone to throw the toys and let me run in the back yard to try and kill tree rats.

    Speaking of Dad being home, I may need a favor.

    How much does the lawyer cat charge to draw up an Adverse Possession claim? For all the time that Dad was gone I was able to sleep anywhere I wanted on the bed completely by myself. Now I have to share it with Dad again and he snores and rolls around in his sleep and usually kicks me a couple times a night.
    Last night he actually kicked me off when I tried to lay across the pillows just because his head happened to be there. He could have moved out of my way. I don't take up that much room.
    I think he was gone long enough that I can get a legal order barring him from the bed. There is a couch he could sleep on.

    Love,
    Piper
    Dear Piper,

    Apparently it's $50,000 with no travel expenses. The Lawyer won't take anything less than first class unless you stuff him a sack so be prepared for that.

    Did you establish residence on the bed? You know, letters, tax forms, bed maintenance?

    The Pirate says to simply board the bed and dump your Dad overboard. He advises a bayonet and a couple of pistols.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  6. #96
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    Dear Piper,

    The sky thing happened again today and I was again stuffed in the Thunder jacket.

    Again, I woke up an hour later. By that time, some maniac was setting off fireworks (not the same guy) and I watched about 10 minutes of ID TV before collapsing into sleep again. You can't tell me that thing doesn't have drugs or Satanic influences sewn into it. There's no other explanation.

    Mom is just going around looking smug since she ordered it. Dad has now put the jacket in his totem area. I assume he will perform unholy rites in front of it to keep it powered up when I'm outside. Perhaps cat sacrifice is part of the charging process in which case I guess I can live with it.

    Well, it's about time for me to fight Dad for the bed. He's getting better with tactics but still can't beat Mom for strategic advances. She just gets the nukes going right away which is disappointing. She's not bluffing, either. The spray bottle is right there.

    Love,

    Evie
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  7. #97
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    My Dearest Evie,

    Well, we had storms last night and it was awful.
    First, based on your recommendation, Dad had Mom buy one of those jacket things and they tried to stuff me into it. You know that I am not a fan of human contact that I do not initiate and having them pull my legs and tail through holes did nothing to ease the increasing panic.

    Once they finally got it on, I walked by the bedroom mirror. I looked like a stuffed turquoise pinata. Dad wanted to take a pic but I told him that he and his phone would be sleeping with the fishes. He apparently knows what that means.

    The jacket thing did nothing for my mental health either. I tried getting to me bedroom cave under the headboard but the jacket got caught and I couldn't get in and then I couldn't get out so I was stuck. Dad had to take the mattress off to set me free after I struggled and whined for at least what seemed to be hours.

    He finally took it off and I was so relieved that I slept all night.

    I have to go out and dig a hole to bury the jacket. It is pure evil.

    And yes, being the female in this scenario, I completely blame you for this disaster.

    I have sent a separate email detailing all of this to the lawyer cat. Expect to be served shortly.

    All my love,
    Piper.
    We are so fucked.

  8. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by gary m View Post
    My Dearest Evie,

    Well, we had storms last night and it was awful.
    First, based on your recommendation, Dad had Mom buy one of those jacket things and they tried to stuff me into it. You know that I am not a fan of human contact that I do not initiate and having them pull my legs and tail through holes did nothing to ease the increasing panic.

    Once they finally got it on, I walked by the bedroom mirror. I looked like a stuffed turquoise pinata. Dad wanted to take a pic but I told him that he and his phone would be sleeping with the fishes. He apparently knows what that means.

    The jacket thing did nothing for my mental health either. I tried getting to me bedroom cave under the headboard but the jacket got caught and I couldn't get in and then I couldn't get out so I was stuck. Dad had to take the mattress off to set me free after I struggled and whined for at least what seemed to be hours.

    He finally took it off and I was so relieved that I slept all night.

    I have to go out and dig a hole to bury the jacket. It is pure evil.

    And yes, being the female in this scenario, I completely blame you for this disaster.

    I have sent a separate email detailing all of this to the lawyer cat. Expect to be served shortly.

    All my love,
    Piper.
    Dear Piper,

    I assume they just didn't have it on you tight enough. Mom straps that thing on me like she was sending a box of fine china to Africa. She's used her foot to gain leverage. Dad sometimes takes up what little slack I manage to work into it by exhaling because he is a sadist.

    We had the sky thing again pretty bad last night and they wasted no time strapping me into that thing. The cats were chuckling as they watched the process - a process they both avoided.

    At first, I panted like a Lockheed jet engine getting warmed up to strafe Minneapolis and then I collapsed on the couch. When I woke up, there was some lame TCM movie playing (which I did watch - something about some sad woman). Then they decanted me.

    The storm was over. I was given a few paltry treats and then the jacket was reinstalled in Dad's totem area. The cats were elated. Then Dad took me in the bedroom to listen to the podcast (as usual). I did manage to eat Mom's fake bite guard in revenge because Dad didn't hook me to the thingy.

    I can't deny the stupid jacket works despite the utterly humiliating process of strapping me in it like a pack mule. Mom has a lot of experience with pack equines so maybe that's the difference. If I go through some "I'm distressed" theater, she just laughs and pulls harder. So far, she hasn't punched me in the belly which I have seen her do to horses if they swell themselves up to avoid the cinch.

    I don't know what to say. The hated jacket works but the entire process is humiliating - especially with the cats laughing. Also, from a fashion point of view, it's tragic. You'd think they could have at least matched it to my fur or collar. They obviously didn't even try.

    Love,

    Evie
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

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