Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: Short Jokes

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 9:27 PM
    Posts
    23,481
    Post Thanks / Like

    Short Jokes

    A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

    “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 9:27 PM
    Posts
    23,481
    Post Thanks / Like
    A girl who was a little fuzzy on the birds and the bees goes to her doctor because she's been feeling sick. He examines her and informs her she's pregnant. She looks a little blank and he says, "You know, pregnant. You've got a baby in there!"

    "A baby?" she says. "But how do I get it out?"

    The doctor says, "The same way you got it in there."

    She yells, "Oh no! Not with one leg through the steering wheel and the other leg out the window!"
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  3. Likes daveman, Novaheart liked this post
  4. #3
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 9:27 PM
    Posts
    23,481
    Post Thanks / Like
    The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!" The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"

    The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  5. Likes daveman, 80zephyr liked this post
  6. #4
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 9:27 PM
    Posts
    23,481
    Post Thanks / Like
    A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass.

    He says: “So what’s bothering you?” She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

    “Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  7. Likes scott, daveman liked this post
  8. #5
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 9:27 PM
    Posts
    23,481
    Post Thanks / Like
    Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, you need four new tires, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

    Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.





    Source (don't copy without it): Short Funny
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  9. Likes scott, daveman liked this post
  10. #6
    Join Date
    Sunday, November 10th, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 8:26 PM
    Posts
    893
    Post Thanks / Like
    The shortest jokes I know:

    A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"



    A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!"
    “I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
    I aim with my eye.

    "I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
    I shoot with my mind.

    "I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.
    I kill with my heart.”

    The Gunslinger Creed, Stephen King, The Dark Tower

  11. Likes Newman, scott, Gingersnap liked this post
  12. #7
    Join Date
    Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
    Last Online
    Today @ 12:28 AM
    Posts
    14,984
    Post Thanks / Like
    A Seal walks into a club.
    If it pays, it stays

  13. Likes daveman, scott liked this post
  14. #8
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 9:27 PM
    Posts
    23,481
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by Frostbit View Post
    A Seal walks into a club.
    You made me laugh. I won't forget this crime.
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  15. #9
    Join Date
    Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Flyover Country
    Posts
    5,307
    Post Thanks / Like
    Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
    A: A large pizza can feed a family of four
    We are so fucked.

  16. Likes daveman, Newman, Gingersnap liked this post
  17. #10
    Join Date
    Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
    Last Online
    Saturday, September 19th, 2020 @ 9:27 PM
    Posts
    23,481
    Post Thanks / Like
    This one is short-ish - translated from Czech:

    A farmer went to the mall to do some shopping. He bought an anvil and a bucket in the hardware store and in the livestock store he bought a pair of chickens and a goose. But how to carry it all now?

    The shopkeeper advised him: "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry that in one hand, put the goose in your other hand and carry each chicken under one of your arms." The farmer did that, thanked him and exited the store.

    On his way home, a beautiful, well-endowed girl stopped him, said she got lost and that she needs to get to a certain address.

    "What a coincidence! I'm going to visit my brother, who lives not far from there. Come with me and I'll take you there. We can cross the park this way so it's a shorter walk."

    "The park? But how can I trust you that you're not going to push me against the fence, roll up my skirt, take off my panties and ...?"

    "Look at me. I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, a goose and two chickens. Like this, how could I push you against the fence and do what you're afraid of?"

    "Well, with a bit of creativity you could put the goose on the ground, cover it with the bucket, weight it down with the anvil - and I can hold on to the chickens."
    "Alexa, slaughter the fatted calf."

  18. Likes daveman, Newman liked this post

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •